Coping With Procrastrination

As a follow-up to my earlier post about the causes of procrastination, I'd like to talk a little bit about some effective coping mechanisms I've discovered. Lately, I've found it immeasurably useful to deal with procrastination by dissecting it. In order to do this, I ask the following questions:

1. What am I avoiding right now?

The first question is usually pretty easy to answer; when you're avoiding something, it's usually on your mind, poking constantly at the back of your thoughts and causing you stress. Sometimes, however, that stress can be great enough that you simply can't make yourself think about it enough to address the avoidance. For this reason, it's a good idea to attempt this exercise at a time when you're feeling relaxed or happy. Also, I find it very effective to sit down and make a list of the things I'm avoiding and worrying about; getting them out of my head and onto paper transforms them from a stress-inducing spectre into something manageable.

2. Why am I avoiding it (i.e., what am I afraid of)?

This question is a little more challenging to answer, mostly because it requires being brave enough to let some of those ugly worst-case-scenarios stop sitting at the back of your brain and actually come into the fore to play. This is never fun, but if you get a handle on them this way, they actually become a lot less scary after the initial shock.

Sometimes, the scare-factor is obvious; you might be procrastinating on balancing the checkbook because you're afraid of finding out you've overdrawn your account (and you prefer not knowing that to finding out that you did). If you're procrastinating on starting an important project, it may because you're afraid of failure and don't want to deal with those emotions.

3. Is procrastinating on this issue really going to help me?

This might seem like a silly question, of course, since the answer is always, obviously, "no." However, it's still a question that needs asking because the answer isn't so obvious to your subconscious. In fact, the whole point of this line of questioning is to have a little conversation with your subconscious about what is and isn't a helpful coping mechanism. More specifically, you need to suggest to your subconscious just how bad the situation could get, how much worse it will be than the immediate discomfort of getting started.

4. Is the thing I fear something I can deal with? How likely is it that it will come to pass?

Here's a little secret I've learned about overdrawn checking accounts and failed projects: they're not the end of the world. They can suck and suck mightily, especially if others are counting on you and earning back trust is going to take time to rebuild. But it *can* be rebuilt, financial skills can be improved, and problems can be solved over time. What's important is being able to give yourself the understanding around your issues that the rest of the world usually can't; it's the only way you'll be able to improve your abilities in handling them.

Much of the time, though, the fears are unfounded. Those of us with ADHD tend to see ourselves failing in all regards even if we're not. In childhood, we quickly and permanently learn the lesson that our best is rarely good enough and that any mistake on our part is sure to bring about catastrophe. As adults, we then feel that even tiny mistakes will surely bring about enormous problems. But in reality, things are probably not really that bad.

5. What is the experience at the source of my fear?

Here's where the real soul-searching comes into play, but also, the real chance for healing. Where do the feelings of, "OMG IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD IF I DON'T DO THIS PERFECTLY!" come from? Like I said above, it's probably rooted deeply in your childhood and young adult experiences. Even if you were fortunate enough to be diagnosed with ADD as a kid, you've almost certainly experienced your share of blaming and shaming that doesn't begin to recognize your disability.

If you can meditate, now is a good time to do it. Try to relax, and think back on some of the most painful memories you can muster that are associated with your "failures" as a child and the manner in which others communicated their disappointment to you. It's time for some real critical assessment of how your problems were handled by adults in your life.

It's not uncommon for parents, older siblings, relatives and teachers to think that the best way to deal with an ADHD child is lecture, shame and punish. When normal methods of expressing displeasure and establishing boundaries and requirements don't work, anxiety and anger take over, then they snowball out of control, transforming into constant berating, shaming, expressions of displeasure, and eventually, a strong, ongoing message of disapproval. Is this understandable? In most cases, yes. Is it something you should accept as fair?

Hell. No.

GET ANGRY. You officially have my permission. You may find it's difficult to get in touch with your anger, since it's common to internalize the criticism we receive in an attempt to please. If this is the case, try imagining how the scenarios from your childhood would look to you as an outside observer, with stranger adults and a stranger child acting in a similar manner. I guarantee, your offended sensibilities will start to kick in.

So now, I want you to find that wounded, scared part of your subconscious, the part that thinks you can't possibly succeed and is just trying to protect itself from the inevitable results of failure. Tell that scared, shamed child that there's no reason to be worried about the things you worried about as a kid. You're an adult, this is your life, and you have legitimate reasons for the problems you have...and a legitimate hope for being able to conquer them.