The Double ADD Relationship: Why It Can Work

I have ADD, and so does my husband.

What I have found this means for us is that none of the expert advice or standard conversations about ADD and relationships apply to us. All the books, articles, forum chats, stories, rants and related tales from couple's counseling I've ever seen deal mostly with the challenges of an ADD partner and a non-ADD partner figuring out how to reconcile their differences and come to terms with the challenges of the relationship. Most commonly, it seems, the challenges of a relationship for someone with ADD come from the basic caring=instant results misunderstanding we all know too well...you know, where someone close to you assumes that if you actually CARED about their feelings and circumstances, you'd be able to keep a job/get organized/remember birthdays/focus during a conversation, etc.

Willpower and the ADHD Brain

If you're reading this blog and you don't have ADD, I'd like to ask you to do a little mental exercise with me.

Think back to when you were five years old and your parents told you to put your toys away after you finished playing with them. Remember the resistance you felt to this activity, how spirit-crushing it seemed to do this chore when you wanted to move on to some other fun activity, like playing outside. Remember the effort it took to accomplish this task, if you could even do it on your own (which you probably could not).

Now...think about that same task now, and how it would look to you as an adult. Why, it's only probably six or eight toys that just need to be placed in a bin or on a shelf. That's no trouble at all. You can do it in about 30 seconds without a second thought. You may even find it pleasurable as you're spurred on by thoughts of how nice the clean floor will look and how useful it is to have things organized. Think that's emotional maturity?

WRONG: your brain has changed! Where you were once a creature of impulse, you now have higher brain functions that numb out those childhood feelings of resistance AND give you rewards (dopamine, I think?) for carrying out the tasks that your executive functions set forth. What was once a great feat of willpower is now a very easy thing indeed.

For the ADD brain, however, this change does not take place, or it does not happen to the extent that it should. But because most people don't understand the neurology of childhood brain development, we don't experience an overabundance of sympathy and understanding in response to this limitation. Instead, we get lectured and shamed and blamed and goaded and most of all, told we need to "try harder." We deeply internalize these messages about our own inadequacy. For those of us who never get a diagnosis, we never examine them. Even for those of us that do, the guilt mechanisms are already well in place and are constantly reinforced throughout life.

If there's one thing I'd like to communicate to anyone who ever reads my blog, it's that ADD is a genuine disability. It's as real as any physical limitation, however much it may not be visible. Though it's important for all people with neurological disabilities and differences to advocate for themselves, I believe it's especially crucial for those whose disabilities are, themselves, exacerbated by the guilt and shame of being blamed for our troubles and/or not taken seriously.

So please, my friends...always remember that compared to what it's like for us? Your toys pick themselves up.

Fostering Healthy Romantic Relationships

This is an article I wrote a couple years ago about fostering healthy relationships with someone who's got ADD. I've had a few people tell me that they've found it helpful, so I've decided to re-post here. This is a list of tips and tricks for non-ADHD partners. I intend, at some point, to write a follow-up list of tips and tricks for the ADHD partners.

Know how their brain works. The first and most important thing you, as a non-ADD partner (NAP) need to understand about your ADD loved one (ALO), is that her brain works differently than yours, because it's lacking a lot of electrical signals necessary to behave as responsibly as she'd like to. Therefore, a lot of assumptions that you might make about the motivations behind her actions aren't necessarily going to be accurate.

For example, it's quite common for an ALO to forget that she's supposed to meet her NAP at a certain time for a date, only to get caught up doing something else and lose track of time. The NAP will often assume that this means the ALO didn't care enough to make the appointment, but in truth, this is almost never the case. In general, it's easy for NAPs to assume that ALOs just "aren't trying hard enough," but usually, we're trying as hard as we can.

Expect apologies, but accept them. If your feelings have been hurt, or if you've been inconvenienced in some other way by your ALO's ADD-related behavior, you should expect an apology from her - after all, she needs to learn to take responsibility for her symptoms, even if they aren't her "fault." But if she gives you a genuine apology, accept it.

Expect improvement, not perfection. Many NAPs will get frustrated with a certain behavior in their ALO, and expect that telling her once should be enough to solve the problem completely, and that if it isn't, she didn't get the message. This is not the case - changing our behaviors takes a great deal of time and effort, so if you see any steady improvement at all, even very small improvement, you can be certain that your ALO is doing her absolute best to do what's fair to you.

Positive reinforcement is nearly always better. Because we are driven so strongly be our emotions, people with ADD are often extremely sensitive to criticism. Moreover, the negative feelings we associate with that criticism will often cause us to avoid the problem in question and thus, to avoid solving it.

On the other hand, positive reinforcement has the opposite effect - if we're complimented on our improvement, we will want to continue facing down the problem and improving. Despite how it may seem at times, it's actually quite important to us to please our loved ones.

Know the right way to express your disappointment. Sometimes, you have a right to get upset, but always remember that any harsh words or raised voices are going to have twice the effect on your ALO that they would on anyone else. For this reason, choose your reaction and your words very carefully.

I recommend that you avoid speaking out of anger, ever. When you're feeling angry, the best place for you to be is far away from your ALO. Vent to a friend, punch a wall, engage in some primal scream therapy and say all the angry and hurtful things somewhere where she won't hear them. Then, once you are able, return to her and be honest about your feelings. There's a big, big difference between calmly saying, "This made me very angry today, enough that I was screaming insulting things about you," and actually screaming those insulting things at her, and the former will make her understand your feelings and the importance of taking them seriously without doing irreversible damage.

Remember that the good and bad are connected. For whatever reason, people with ADD often share many extremely positive qualities such as creativity, charm, and a kind, generous character. Chances are, these are some of the things that made you fall in love with your ALO in the first place. Whenever you feel frustrated with one of the difficult aspects of her ADD, remember that the good things about her are there are for the same reason that many of the bad ones are.

Never forget to take your turn. As the NAP, chances are that you will often feel that you're "taking care" of your partner, in much the same way that partners of people with physical disabilities do. Always be proud of yourself for this, and for the fact that you love your ALO enough to have patience and to help her get a handle on her issues for both of your sakes.

But also, don't forget that your ALO has a responsibility to you. Tell her how it's important that she take care of you sometimes, teach her how to do this, and don't be afraid to tell her when you need this kind of treatment. She will most likely respond with enthusiasm.